"This year has proved to be the best year yet!! WE HAVE BEEN CHOSEN BY A PROSPECTIVE BIRTH MOTHER!!!! This time it is REAL!! She is not a fake or a scam!!"
-from Amanda's journal entry 17 February 2013
getting meghann's emails were like Christmas morning. every time we saw that she wrote, our hearts beat so fast and we got so excited. we read them a loud to one another. we loved hearing from her. then we exchanged numbers and were able to text. the best yet! every time my phone would *ding* i would look hoping it was her.
we found out huge, exciting news through meghann. on january 31st, we found out she was having a girl! she emailed us this incredible ultra sound.
we knew that meghann would have a c section. we anticipated when we would know an exact date. we found out on monday, march 11th that she would have a c section that thursday on march 14th. one week early from her due date! we just could not believe it! baby girl was coming. we would be parents after so many years of praying, fasting, wishing, hoping and dreaming.
baby girl would be born in louisville kentucky. my hometown! how incredible is that? we lived three and a half hours from there. so the night before her c section, we drove up to my parents house.
the day of march 14th, i was shocked to find myself calm. no worries. no fears. just excited. brian, was nervous. i think me being able to have a
wonderful experience calmed my nerves. what a miracle that was. i worry and stress out about EVERY THING. but because of that experience. not once.
well, once. when we arrived to the hospital we received a call from our caseworker. she said that meghann had called her last night at 1 am. the tone in her voice sounded kind of...sad? so i thought "oh my gosh, what?" but she continued to say that meghann would like to care for the baby her entire stay in the hospital. phew! ok. that is totally understandable!
we waited in the waiting room. waiting. waiting. waiting. so anxious to hear the news that baby girl had come. we knew it would take a while. meghann wanted to be set up in her room before letting us know. which again, we totally understood. after having to go through major surgery, you would want to be all set up before others came in.
about 3:30ish we get the text that baby girl weighs 6 lbs 11 oz 18 in long. we got so excited, we were dying. meghann then texted us at about 5 ish that she was in her room, gave us the number and said that we could come on up. this was the moment of truth. when we would meet our baby. but we didn't know how it would go. this was our first time ever meeting meghann. her mom was with her. so how would that first meet go? would it be weird? would it be awkward? not at all!
we walk in and see them. her, her mom and her baby. i go and hug meghann right away. i see that little baby face. there she is. laying in her birth mother's arms. with a pink little hat on. we ask when the baby was born, 11:27 am. {aww!} and ask how meghann was feeling. she was so tired and so hungry. then her mom said, "what will you name the baby?" we couldn't believe it. it kind of threw us off. but we knew the name. i said "ella jean".
a little bit of a back story. i had a
vivid dream about a baby this past summer. in this dream, the baby's name was "charlotte". a name we chose, but not for our third girl. brian says to me before the birth "what if this baby looks like charlotte?" i said "fine, we will name her charlotte." but my heart was set on the name "ella." i have loved that name since i was 20 years old. i've always wanted a girl. and the first girl would be named "ella." so brian asking me this threw me off. even though i wanted the name to be "ella" if this baby looked like the dream baby of super dark hair, way fat cheeks with baby zits on her face, then we would name her after the dream baby.
but as i looked down at that sweet baby, i saw that she was "ella". i didn't need for them to take off that pink hat to check out her hair. i knew she was my baby ella of whom i have dreamed about for years.
then meghann's mom said for us to hold the baby. holding that sweet baby was incredible. she was such a sweet little baby who had so much love from everyone in that room. when i handed ella to brian, i saw something change in his face.
we then went and grabbed meghann some food, came back and visited for a bit and then left. so that she could sleep, and be with her baby.
i asked brian about what he felt like when he held ella for the first time. he said "you know that saying where every woman knows she's a mother once she finds out she's having a baby. but every man knows he's a father once he holds the baby. that saying came to my mind once i held her. i knew that i was her dad." how very touching was that?
for the next few days, we would go and visit meghann and the baby. we tried not to stay too long so that she would have time with her and heal. meghann was just incredible. not only did she allow us to come and see her every day, but she even invited my parents to come up one evening! my mom bawled like a baby when i told her that. she thought she just wouldn't be able to go to the hospital and had come to terms with that. we thought that was just so incredible of meghann! we are still so thankful for that.
also being in the hospital, meghann's daughter came. she is just so cute! it was so sweet to see her interact with the baby. i wanted to take so many pictures but contained myself. but i did take pictures. i wanted ella to know that her birth family was there and love her. i wanted her to see her birth mother caring and loving her in the hospital. i wanted those pictures.
for us, the days dragged slow. but i think for meghann, they went too fast.
the day had come. placement day. meghann had texted us that morning on how reality was setting in, she wouldn't see the baby every day. our hearts ached for her. we felt a bit selfish. to us it would be a joyful day, to her a very sad day. we didn't want her to hurt.
we arrived to the hospital and were told to wait. we waited in the car for 40 min, although it felt like 10 hours. then we were told to come on up.
we wanted to see meghann and the baby. but we couldn't go in just yet. we met with our caseworker and meghann's attorney. we filled out paper work. this was real. this day had come. the day we always dreamed about. but we kept thinking of meghann and wanted to see her so bad. we had to wait for the nurse to discharge her before we could go and see her. so as we are waiting, we see the nurse go in her room. then come out with the baby. they took the baby to the nursery.
again, all the stories i had read, the birth mother usually passed her baby on to the adoptive family. every one's story and situation is different. sometimes the same. sometimes similar. sometimes not even close. but no matter what, it will always be emotional and spiritual.
once we were told we could go and see meghann we hopped right up. we walked into the room and i saw the sadness in meghann's eyes. this girl who we had only met three days ago, now meant the world to us. we wanted her to be happy. to be able to achieve the things she wanted to achieve. to see her pain was crushing to us. i went over to hug her and i cried. hard. so hard. she was giving us the best gift a person could give.
i can't remember all i said to her, but i do know that i thanked her. told her we were grateful to her. that she was the strongest person we know. we had a gift for her, we handed it over. this necklace.
when we were picking out a gift, this necklace touched us. this little phrase " i can do hard things" seemed so right to give to her. this is one of the hardest things to do in life and she was doing it.
i kept thinking of the movie "steel magnolias". weird i know, because it has nothing to do with adoption. but i thought of the scene when sally field's character loses her daughter. how all the men in the family couldn't stand to watch her die, but she stayed. and she says "i thought men were made of steel." our meghann is our steel magnolia. so cheesy i know, but i just kept thinking of that.
she is the definition of strength. she is the definition of bravery. she saved us. she gave us the most perfect, incredible gift. for that we will always be grateful to her. she is a part of our family. not like family, she is family.
i told her how ella will know and love her. and she will. ella will see how much her birth mother loves her. she will see the sacrifice she made. she made two people who couldn't have children, be able to have a child. not many people show that great act of love and sacrifice. she is one of them.
as meghann and her family left, i knew it wasn't good bye forever. we would meet again. she would see her birth daughter again. in fact, she sees her towards the end of april.
after meghann left, we were taken into the nursery. here was ella. brought to us. it was as if we actually saw her being born. that day, she was born to us. i cried the ugliest cry known to man, but that was how it should be. here was our daughter. she was perfect. i cried and told her that we had been praying for her. i said her name aloud. "ella. you are our ella."
we brought her to my parents house and were so joyful, but still felt that pain for dear, meghann. our joy was her pain.
this past week has been one of the happiest weeks of our lives! we are parents! we have a beautiful, baby girl in our home. on top of that, meghann text us every day. she is on our facebook, she has access to our private blog. she is a person we love so dearly, we become a bit over protective of her. we make sure every thing that is said about her, is with respect and love. we would fight and stand up for this girl if one bad thing was uttered about her. no one of coarse has, it just shows how protective we are of her.
we are so excited to see her again. ella will know her and love her just as much as we do. what's so great about all of this is how we all have become family to one another. we will always be in each others lives.
"Nothing is going as planned. But it is ending as planned. Our babies will come to us in this most sacred way."
-from Amanda's journal entry 25 March 2011
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